Questions

In Lesson 10 we will discuss some ways we can assist the bereaved as they gradually process their loss and learn to live without the friend or family member who has passed away.

It is important to recognize that those who are left behind must work through their grief in order to successfully emerge from such a deep loss. It is necessary to reach a healthy resolution after losing a loved one, but this is not a simple task. If left uncompleted, however, it can result in unfinished business that may need to be sorted out later on in one’s life.

As devotees we are blessed with knowledge of the Krishna consciousness philosophy. We try to increase our devotion to Lord Krishna while endeavoring to diminish our attachments to this material world. Just as we gain strength from the association of other Vaisnavas in our attempt, we also require support from the community of devotees at a time of great loss.

Because losing a friend or family member is often a time of great distress, the bereaved may be eager to hear about the philosophy of Krishna consciousness. Similarly, those who do not practice Krishna consciousness may also become receptive to hearing about the Lord during a time of great sorrow. Srila Prabhupada writes, “…For a devotee, distress is an opportunity to remember the Supreme Personality of Godhead constantly.” (SB7:2:61)

Naturally, as Vaisnavas we want to ease the spiritual pain of the bereaved by speaking about the absolute truth, which will ultimately, relieve all material distress. But, we must remember to be sensitive to one’s grief and express our compassion for one’s loss. Grieving is a natural process that is necessary in order to heal from the intense feelings of sadness that occur when losing a loved one. Each person will exhibit his sense of loss differently and must evolve in his own way. No time restraints or expectations should ever be placed on the bereaved. For some, the amount of grief work to be done after the death of a loved one often depends on how much of the process was worked through prior to the death. Still, a person may experience tremendous emotional struggle when the loss actually occurs. With a significant support system, or even one caring person, the bereaved can emerge from this trauma more emotionally and spiritually healthy.

We cannot discuss the grief process without mentioning excessive grief. Excessive grief involves a prolonged, chronic bereavement period in which those experiencing a loss have not successfully progressed through a healthy mourning process. Grief becomes excessive when:

Commonly expressed fears become phobias

When temporary helplessness turns into extended hopelessness

When feelings of guilt become suicidal ideations

When sadness becomes lingering despair

Early intervention by a professional grief counselor may help to prevent such an extreme situation. If a hospice was involved in caring for the deceased and his family, bereavement support groups and grief counseling is usually offered up to 13 months after a loved one has passed away.

In contrary, one may experience insufficient grief that may contribute to one’s inability to sufficiently grieve or to one not being able to grieve at all after a loss. This may be caused by one’s personality, or one’s unwillingness to admit feelings of vulnerability, even to oneself. Similarly, one’s history of multiple losses and the emotional protection that often results can be a contributing factor. In addition, a lack of a support system may also affect a healthy outcome for the bereaved. With the presence of insufficient grief, the bereaved may appear unaffected by his or her loss, but signs of grief may appear years later when triggered by another loss. Again, a professional grief counselor may be of great benefit.

When assisting the bereaved, please consider the following tasks that will assist one in his or her grief work:

The bereaved need to accept the reality of their loss. Talking with someone who truly cares about his or her grief can help accomplish this.

Be patient and listen…and then listen again. Someone who is grieving may need to express the same feelings of sadness, frustration, or anger. Verbalization of feelings often requires repeating in order for one to assimilate his or her sense of loss. Good listening skills on your part can help one to unlock the grief that may lead to increased spiritual awareness. If you remain nonjudgmental, those who are mourning will look to you as a “safe zone” where the most intimate discussions can take place without fear of criticism.

The bereaved need to be encouraged to ask for assistance. Encourage those who are experiencing a loss to recognize and express what type of help they need from others. This can assist them in their grieving process as they begin to connect with those who can offer support. Some suggestions on ways to offer assistance include:

--Encourage proper rest.

--Offer to bring meals at various times of the day so those who are mourning do not need to prepare their own meals.

--Offer to help with funeral arrangements

--Help make phone calls, if needed.

--Offer to assist with sorting through legal paperwork.

--Provide transportation if needed.

--If young children are involved, offer to assist with their care, especially within the first week or so after the death.

--Become an empathetic listener.

The bereaved need to share their memories. To reminisce is to honor the departed Devotee. Sharing memories may give a new perspective to one’s loss as well as help the bereaved to adjust to a life in which a loved one is no longer present. Some suggestions on how to assist with this task include:

--Ask to see photographs or videos.

--Ask questions about the deceased to encourage a discussion.

--Recall your own memories of the departed Vaisnava.

It is important to note that discussions like these should never be forced. The bereaved will naturally wish to engage in this type of conversation as their grief work progresses.

The bereaved need our honesty. If you are at a loss as to what to say, remember that you are not alone. It is not easy to speak to someone who has just lost a close friend or family member. If you are at a loss for words, be honest. Often if we admit our discomfort and feelings of helplessness to the bereaved we will feel at ease with the silence that often accompanies their sorrow. Sometimes your quiet presence may be more helpful than anything you can say. Nonverbal messages, such as holding a hand, can often

The bereaved need continued support. Often within a week or two of the funeral service, friends and family return to their usual routines, leaving the bereaved to cope with their pain alone. Some suggestions for helping include:

--Let the bereaved know they can call you at any time. Call them as well.

--Send a note to let them know you are thinking about them. Offer to visit.

--Offer to accompany them to a temple for darshan of the Deities.

--Offer to go on walks together.

--Chant the Hare Krishna mantra together.

--Offer to read aloud Srila Prabhupada’s books.

--Continue to listen and to reaffirm your support.

--Provide a nurturing environment to help promote a healthy resolution to one’s loss.

He reasons ill who tells that Vaisnavas die

When thou art living still in sound.

The Vaisnavas die to live, and living try

To spread the holy name around.

--Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur

Although it is natural to feel continued separation from a loved one, those who are working through their grief are free to simultaneously search for spiritual meaning to their loss. The transcendental knowledge contained in Srila Prabhupada’s books can provide us with the spiritual answers we need to eventually feel at peace with the auspicious departure of the Lord’s devotee. Ultimately, engaging in the nine processes of devotional service, namely hearing about the Lord, chanting His holy names, remembering the Lord, worshiping the Lord, serving the lotus feet of the Lord, offering prayers, carrying out the orders of the Lord, making friends with Him, and surrendering everything to the Lord, as prescribed in the Bhagavad-gita, can relieve one from the most severe type of material distress.

Congratulations!

You have successfully completed all ten lessons. To receive your Certificate of Completion, please be sure to submit all ten lesson answers with your name and information.

Thank you for you participation.

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