Lesson Six—Experiencing a Terminal Illness

As devotees of Lord Krishna we are well aware that death may come at any moment. Srila Prabhupada stated, “In this material world there is danger at every step.” Being aware of this transcendental truth we try to live our lives preparing for the crucial moment of death so we will be able to meditate on the Lord and return back home, back to Godhead. But, when diagnosed with a six month or less prognosis each Vaisnava will react differently.

Every individual brings into the dying experience his or her own fears, past experiences, and conditioning. For a devotee, this does not differ. Each of us stands in a different place on the spiritual path and every dying devotee has the right to express in a safe environment how he or she feels. As caregivers, you can be of more assistance to your patient if you take the time to be more introspective and understand how you feel about your own death. If you were told that you have inoperable cancer, for example, how would you react? Would you be worried about your family members? If you have young children would you be concerned that they would no longer remember you when you were gone? Would you be in anxiety facing what could be a painful illness? Many devotees have stated they would feel a sense of spiritual urgency. Being told you have only months to live could cause spiritual pain as you may wish to quickly come to more advanced realizations. Many have revealed they would feel guilty at having wasted even one moment of their lives. Understanding that time was now limited, remembering one moment not spent in Lord Krishna’s service could cause regret and sadness.

Therefore, it is crucial that you, as a caregiver, examine your innermost feelings about death. After reaching sound, Krishna conscious conclusions that the Guru and Krishna will never abandon you, you will be able to project this consciousness to your patient who will need your strength and spiritual insight. Perhaps your patient may have already reached an understanding that he will be protected by the Lord and the Spiritual Master through the illness, as well as when dying. If you are also convinced of this fact you will be better able to reinforce this truth.

To assist you in exploring your true feelings about death, it may be helpful to keep a journal. Writing about the emotions and realizations you have had concerning your death may help you in reaching sound conclusions. Or you may want to discuss this topic with a trusted friend, Godsister, Godbrother, or spouse. Find what will assist you with a better understanding of your own emotions. Remember that whatever you truly feel about dying will be projected to your patient.

The following are typical anxieties that a terminally ill patient may experience. These reactions, however, are not carved in stone. A patient may experience all of them, or only some of them.

1. Loss of Control: Major and daily decisions that impact my life now appear to be taken from me.

2. Uncomfortable: Visitors tend to have superficial conversations and avoid eye contact due to their own discomfort. They seem horrified at seeing the physical changes caused by my disease.

3. Deprived of my individuality: I am not given the freedom to express my feelings and emotions for fear of being criticized or even laughed at.

4. Vulnerable: I find myself experiencing mood swings, sometimes within the same day or hour. Sometimes I want to be alone and sometimes I want the comfort of others.

5. Fear: Even though I have firm faith in my spiritual beliefs, I sometimes experience momentary doubts. I am afraid to express this to anyone. This makes me afraid to die. I am also afraid of the pain I am facing with this disease.

6. Anger: I find myself asking, “Why?” I wanted to do so much more in my life. What will happen to my family? I sometimes get angry with the Lord for doing this to me.

7. Guilt: I feel guilty for having these fears and anger. I should be stronger. I feel like a burden to my caregivers.

8. Sad: I feel alone. No one can relate to what I am going through.

Examining how you might react to being diagnosed with a terminal illness will assist you in understanding what your patient may be going through. When you become comfortable with the subject and your patient wants to discuss his or her feelings you can begin by being a good listener. Hear what your patient is saying with a compassionate heart rather than a judgmental mind. Keep your patient’s statements confidential. Create an atmosphere of safe boundaries so your patient can comfortably reveal his or her mind. Create a mood of love and trust by choosing each word carefully, by saying what you feel, and by expressing your gratitude at having known this devotee. Express this now while you are still able to. The hospice philosophy allows every person to feel that he or she has made a difference in this world. Certainly a Vaisnava has made more of a difference than he or she probably realizes. Allow your patients to know how much you appreciate their association and how much they will be remembered after they have passed away. Offer your patients the gift of your sincere gratitude and you will be doing a great service for these courageous devotees of the Lord.

Suggestion: Write your patient a letter or card expressing how much he or she has meant to you. Explain what an honor it has been to have known him. Thank him or her for the opportunity you were given to serve him during his illness. Allow your patient time alone to read it. This will help with a closure for you, as well as for your patient.

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